Episode: In Sickness and In Hell (S-4, E-4)

Author: CN Winters

Fandom: Subtext report, Xena Fanfiction, Xena and Gabrielle fanfiction

Author Note: Many of these reports are littered with errors because I wrote them quickly and 'on the fly' so I could post them quicker to the 'Nutforum' back in the day.

Feedback: Drop me a line at cnwinters71@yahoo.com.

In Sickness and In Hell

This ep had talking bugs, deadly rabbits and stomach flu. Not to mention temperamental horses and contagious fungus. . .Yes, this is a comedy ep and there will be scenes that will make you laugh out loud and cringe. It's low on subtext but good on grins

Xena sleeps with a pleasant grin on her face. A grin, I should add, that gets bigger when she hears Gabrielle softly calling her name. When the warrior princess does open her eyes she's met with Gabby's rotting foot in her face. Now judging by Xena's first expression a decaying foot is not the part of the bards anatomy the warrior was expecting to see (G). It's also obvious Xena likes the sound of Gabby's voice in the morning (VBG).

As Xena gets up Gabby does the 'monkey thing' and searches Xena's mane. Xena asks if she found a bald spot and Gabby says no it's lice. Of course the ever hygiene obsessed Xena takes offense and adamantly denies any little bugs have taken residence in her head.

The pair search for Argo and find her. All the while they banter back and forth, trading shots about each other predicaments (Gabby, of course, gets the best shots in (G). I'd also like to add what a wonderful job ROC did with this script.) When Xena whistles to Argo the horse just keeps on going. Xena knows the mare is pretty P.Oed at her for leaving her. During this scene the two women carry on like a married couple. . .not THAT way! Get your mind outta the gutter. . .They volley affectionate insults at each other.

Joxer shows up in typical Joxer fashion. Xena, typically, insults him too but he pushes it aside and says a town paid him to defend them against an evil warlord. Xena and Gabby agree to help him. As the pair continue to track Argo, making their way to the village, Gabrielle notices how the fungus is spreading up her legs to her inner thighs; going into regions that would scare the Tartarus outta anyone (G). But Xena decides breakfast is more important at the moment. She goes to kill a rabbit but Gabby insists she wants to do the hunt that morning. Xena's doubtful but lets the bard go after the bunny.

As Joxer and Xena collect firewood, he tells her about the warlord's army. Xena is familiar with them (of course, the woman knows EVERYONE in Greece it seems. Except for the many people who look just like her (g)). Around this time the warlord sees Argo and decides he wants the mare. As Joxer and Xena discuss things, Gabby tries to lure 'breakfast' by feeding him berries. The berries however have hallucination effects. The bunny becomes vicious and tries to rip Gabby apart. The bard goes into a battle to the death with the fuzzy woodland creature that had me ROTFL.

Needless to say the bunny gets away and Joxer and Xena tease the bard reliantly about the rodent beast. Joxer makes them radish stew instead and goes to look for Argo while the girls eat. After Joxer is gone the girls talk about Argo's psychological state since Xena's abandonment ( I think they explained the relationship between Xena and her damn horse better than the did with her and the bard(LOL) but that just one subtexters opinion). As the pair continue their discussion, Gabby takes Xena's chakram and rubs her itchy body with it.

So as Gabby begs Xena for 'relief', Xena closes in to retrieve her weapon. But Gabby insists that she's 'not going to give it to her'. (VBG) I have to admit, Gabby's discomfort is somewhat erotic (Boy does she know how to grind those hips (G)). It gets better when she taunts Xena to come and get her, calling her by her title - warrior princess.

Joxer returns to find Gabby's hands bound and she explains it was Xena's idea of a joke (Sounds like a Bat Morta or Katrina story to me(VBG). Those ladies are the queens of bondage stories if you ask me(G)). Too bad we didn't see just how Xena did manage to pin the bard and tie her up. Now that would have made the ep wonderful - a little bondage is always good for the ratings you know(BG).

The warrior princess has gone to make a rock slide to stop the approaching army (How original Xena!! sarcastic grin~). Joxer takes the chance to question Gabby as to how much she likes him. Gabby however feels a rumbling in her tummy and tells him now is not the time. But Joxer being Joxer presses the issue and gets his shoes puked on in the process.

On the way to the village both women get sick. They argue about Argo some more and Gabby even pushes Xena to make her point. Not too many people (if anyone) can PUSH the WP around and live to tell about it (Oh yeah. . .Xena is kitty whipped - BIG TIME!).

In the onset, Argo has become the warlords prized mare. At the village Joxer introduces Xena and Gabrielle who are looking like death warmed over at this point. The inn keeper offers to get them supplies and a room and most definitely a bath (G).

At the mineral springs (aka bath), Xena has goo in her hair to kill her little friends that have a habit of making noise when she kills them (G). Gabrielle for her part has her body covered in a mud pack. Xena talks about 'Greek Fire' in the bathing springs and figures that's why the warlord wants the village. Greek Fire - is basically oil. Oil that is, Black gold, Texas Tea (G). 

Joxer returns after completing a list of all the potential warriors the town has (Brief observation here: For two weeks, count 'em, two weeks Joxer's done good. Yes he's been an ass at times but not a complete ass and I applaud him). Gabby makes a comment about this mud she's wearing is sheep dung and Joxer says no it's goat poo. Gabby gets a bit pissed with Xena and Xena can only smirk in response. But soon Gabby is scratching her head and Xena is itching her shoulder.

Now here's an interesting thought (G). . .Gabrielle has this fungus on the lower half of her body, mostly her inner thighs. Xena now has the same thing on her shoulder. . . You do the math kids(VBEG). So next Xena is covered in the 'mud' and Gabby's got the lice gel in her hair. Those girls share everything I tell ya (G).

Later that night, as Xena tells Gabby the inn keeper is in cahoots with the warlord, Gabby drinks a potion meant as a lotion not a medicine. Suddenly she can't feel her tongue and has no control over her mouth. Xena says it should go away in a day or two, once more smirking at the bards misfortune. With Gabby's tongue outta commission things are going from bad to worse for our lovebirds (G).

As Xena and Gabby sleep, Xena's hutch is correct about the innkeeper. An assassin creeps in but Xena puts the pinch on him. Unfortunately, nature calls to Xena and she wakes the bard telling him to ask the questions. Gabby still can't talk without a speech impediment. She leans over the villain to ask his plan and she can't stop drooling on him. It becomes some kind of demented Chinese water torture for this guy. They lock him in a cell but he still doesn't want to talk so Xena instructs Gabby to go in and give him a BIG kiss. The bard steps forward with drool hanging from her mouth and the guy quickly falls in line. Who needs the 'pinch' when you got a foaming mouthed bard(LOL)?

Next morning the warlord attacks (and once more Joxer goes for the save and takes out three guys!! Of course it's by serendipity but still. . .). The army frees the assassin and takes off. They leave to wait for the rest of their troops that had to detour because of Xena's rockslide. At that moment Xena sees that Argo is now the warlords' horse (Yes. . .Argo goes BAD!! Oh no!!) .

After the attack, Xena sits in the tavern crying over her horse (literally CRYING - I think she misses that potential glue tube more than her 'light' aka Gabby). And being the good sidekick that she is, Gabby tries to sooth Xena. In spite of her self pity, Xena forms a plan to get Argo back. Since Joxer made everyone sick with his stew, Xena sends him to feed the warlords army.

Xena sneaks into Argo's hold but the mare won't leave with her and gives Xena an attitude. Xena manages to get surrounded . . .but not for long (G). She fights her way free but the warlord chases after her.

Her plan has worked. Joxer's stew takes effect leaving the army soundly defeated. All but the assassin can follow the warlord. As the warlord approaches Xena aboard Argo the warrior throws down her sword and waits for their approach. Gabby thinks Xena's nuts and wants her to defend herself but Xena knows better (G). Argo grinds to a haul and sends the warlord over her head first. As Xena and Argo sing the 'Forgive Me - Love of your love song' (just kidding), the assassin comes to take Xena out. He doesn't however see Gabby charging from the woods.

The bard saves the defenseless warrior by knocking the assassin clear off the horse and on his back side (Go Gabby!!Go!! That's my bard!! She saves Xena from her grandson, Mr. Porcupine last week and an assassin this week. I'm beaming with pride.(G). I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that?(VBG)).

The warlord takes the assassins horse and charges after Argo and Xena. Guess who wins?(G).

With the town safe, they offer Joxer 500 dinars. But Joxer looks at Xena and Gabby and tells the town to keep their money. As he soaks up his hero status, Gabby and Xena voice their admiration as well and he goes happily about his way.

Xena starts to tell Gabby about how they are always there for one another but Gabby falls asleep against a pole. But not to worry, Xena's got all the friends she needs she says as she picks another vocal bug.

I'll admit it. I really liked this one. LL did a good job but ROC really shined in this one showing that she can do comedy just as well as LL and at times in this ep even better.

As for next week Xena and Gabby get into Roman garb and take on Caesar and Pompeii. Boy o' boy do they look hot!!!

This weeks disclaimer: No leapin' lice were beaten, whipped, wounded or scratched during the production of this motion picture.

CN Winters