Title: This Isn’t Supposed To Happen/Not In My World

Author: CN Winters

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine – they belong to P and G. I'm just toying with them for our amusement.

Author Note: Our gals late night musings as they lie in bed.

Two o’ three in the A.M.

It’s too early to get up and I’m not tired enough to fall back asleep… unlike the ‘rock’ next to me.

You always wonder why I’m still so hard to wake in the morning. What you don’t know is how many nights I do this – I wake up and just lay here smiling; watching you sleep. And although you’re my reality, I wake up every day – even before my eyes are open – and I worry. Because this isn’t supposed to happen…not for me…so I wonder…

Will I wake up to some stranger in my bed, a meaningless one-night stand, and not a raven-haired goddess who exudes sex appeal, devotion and loyalty beyond measure? Will these past four years just be a dream? I want to touch you so bad right now, but I don’t want to wake you. Besides, that’ll happen soon enough in a few hours.

Maybe you’ll stand at the foot of the bed, tugging the covers like you’ve trained Emma and Francesca to do to me. Maybe I’ll wake up to the smell of coffee you started for me and see the picture of the four of us on the dresser. I told you I wanted to put a copy there so I see it first thing in the morning to remind me of how lucky we are. I didn’t lie, but I also didn’t tell you that I wanted it there so I would know – in my mind – what we have IS a reality. That the life we’ve built isn’t just a figment of my overactive and hopeful imagination.

And you put that picture there because I asked. That’s all I had to do. Just ask… You always want to make me happy; make me smile. And I’d give you anything within my power to do the same. I swear, God, if you’re listening right now, this woman will never want for anything in her life as long as I’m around. I promise I’ll love her endlessly…

But I have to admit you’re not always perfect or accommodating, Sweetheart. You drive me crazy too, but it’s mostly little things.

Like how you insist on hand-washing some of my clothes instead of sending them to the dry cleaner. Or clearing the dinner plates before I can stand up to do it, even though YOU cooked. But even with all these little quirks, I wouldn’t trade you for anything.

The reason is simple. No one has ever taken care of me out of love – not until you... Let’s see who’s on the list…

Josh, he did love me as much as he could, but I know he never felt devoted to me. I mean, my God, I spent our wedding night dancing with my brother, Sam, while he was off tending to yet another irrational Reva demand. I should have known, right then and there, we were doomed. But I had faith. I told myself I could earn your total love and devotion. It would just take time and patience and doing the ‘right thing,’ but that was foolish.

I think that’s what I love most about you, Sweetheart. Loving you isn’t a job; it’s a pleasure. And the love you give in return…it leaves me speechless sometimes.

Oh, and the last husband, Jeffrey. I’m not sure if he counts as a ‘real husband’ but he did take care of me after the transplant. However, I know it was because he felt like he ‘owed me.’ Not like you, who had the tenacity of pit bull with a pot roast. You just wouldn’t let go. It was about Gus’s heart at first, but even for you, at some point, it changed. It became about saving ME and giving my daughters more time with their mother.

As for Buzz, he always wanted to save me from the world… and myself. In contrast, you let me be the person I truly am, and you love me still the same. It’s like when Emma went missing because she heard us talking about moving out of the farmhouse after our first Christmas. You asked an innocent question, and I made a cutting comment about your skills as a mother since Rafe was in prison. God, I could be a bitch, but you took it in stride. Rather than instigate a fight, you saw that outburst for what it was – my panic and anxiety doing the talking.

Point is, you ‘got me’ and understood me on a level Buzz never did, despite his love and attention. And when you said you loved my kid; that you’d die for her…that panic and anxiety slipped away, if only for a moment. I knew you loved her, like ‘I’ loved her – like no one else had…and because of that, I loved you too… more than I was willing to admit at the time.

As for Alan and Phillip…I really don’t want to think about that mess. I’ll never get back to sleep. I can say the one great thing I got was Emma…And Bill, let’s face it – it was great sex and convenience. And even though he did care for Emma, I don’t think he really loved her – not like you, my Sweetheart.

I remember that day at the fair this summer when you said that woman told you that she could see the family resemblance since you and Emma had the ‘same nose.’ I still laugh at that. It was the day you and Emma rode the ‘big girl rides’ while I took Francesca on the teacups. I fell into the ‘cannot ride’ category because of my heart condition, but I didn’t mind. I loved watching Francesca smile and clap on the ride that moved like a snail. It was just as much fun as seeing you and Emma smiling as you came off the ramp of the roller coaster. She looked like a bunny on an energy drink as she bounced excitedly beside you, jabbering away.

I think of all the times, and happiness, I would have lost if I didn’t give you another chance. It took awhile for that fear to go away – that you would leave with no word or warning – and although it’s been over four years now… like I said, I have a different fear…that none of this is truly real. That one day I’ll wake up, and you’ll be gone because someone as wonderful as you was never really here.

But you are here.

Beautiful, flowing black locks over the ivory pillow. Gorgeous body with curves that still captivate me. And brown eyes that I sink into every time you look at me – well, okay. I can’t see them NOW since you’re asleep, but I know what’s behind those lids, and they’re positively stunning.

"I love you so much," I whisper as I caress your face, unable to hold back anymore.

My action causes you to roll slightly and pull me into a sleepy embrace. I end up with one of your legs draped over mine and your arm around my waist, holding me somewhat possessively. Next, I feel your lips on my neck in a brief kiss, but I know from the slight grumble that you’re still asleep. Even when you’re unconscious you still love me… and it makes me smile.

Yeah. This isn’t supposed to happen…not to me…But now with you wrapped in my arms I know I can finally relax my fear enough and get to sleep.

Seven o' three in the A.M.

I'm standing here at the foot of the bed, but you're still not up. That's okay though. I know that won't last too much longer. I'll sic the kids on you and pretty soon you'll be mumbling grumpily and rubbing your eyes. Yes, Sweetheart. I know your routine perfectly now. I remember a time when I used to knock on your door to make sure you were getting up. In truth, I was just making sure you were still alive because I never minded letting you sleep in or looking after Emma; not in the least.

But now I stand here in our bedroom; in our house and I can't help but smile.

And there it is…you embracing my abandoned pillow, snuggling in deeper. It's as if you know the battle that lies ahead and you're preparing. You can flex those long, glorious fingers deeper into the cotton of the pillowcase, but you're not gonna win.

Eh…Who'da thought that big bad Olivia Spencer was a cuddler?

I sure didn't. The first time it happened was before we became a couple. You were feeling a little run down on movie night, but you promised Emma we'd watch 'The Incredibles.' I remember the movie because as I watched the family of superheroes it reminded me of us, and the fact that you called me a superhero. As for you, well, I thought you were invincible because even at your lowest times, you still had this ruggedness; strength.

Of course, much of that strength was wasted on battling me, thank-you-very-much. But I remember that movie and that night because between us and wonder-girl Emma we WERE The Incredibles – you with your super strength; me with my ability to bend and adapt and Emma with her speed and energy that even I had a hard time keeping up with some days.

So that night, rather than sitting on the sofa, we all laid in your bed with Emma on one side and me on the other. Now that I think back on it, you knew then… you knew that you loved me and I think you knew that I was falling for you too. I think you purposely went to the middle of the bed so Emma wouldn't be separating us. And sometime between Syndrome's robot wrecking havoc on Metroville and the film's end credits we all fell asleep. I woke up around 1 am to find your arm tucked around my waist and your leg over mine.

My first reaction was anxiety.

We'd never been this physically close. I mean sure we hugged, but this was…intimate. I felt anxious though because…I liked it. No one ever cuddled me in their sleep. I spent so many years alone and my time with Gus was brief. Even then he wasn't really a cuddler. After sex, he'd hold me – he wasn't an insensitive oaf – but he never… enveloped me like you did. With you, it was like your very existence – your very soul – depended on how tight you clung to me.

My second reaction was desire.

I loved the feel of your weight against me. I loved the way your shampooed hair smelled. I loved the feel of your breath alongside my neck. You were assaulting all of my senses… and you weren't even conscious. I felt that old familiar ache, deep within me. I began to wonder how your skin tasted or how your voice would sound at the height of passion. Almost immediately I pushed the thought out of my head. You were my best friend. And you were a woman. But you were…positively stunning.

My third reaction was guilt.

In addition to my growing desire, which I didn't think you shared, my mind went back to earlier in the evening when we were watching the movie. I got a little misty eyed when Bob and Helen were reunited after he thought she had died. Next thing I felt was you squeezing my hand. I blushed in embarrassment. It was a child's show for goodness sake, but without even saying a word your eyes conveyed that it was okay to be emotional. I remembered in that instant how warm your skin felt on mine and how I wondered, even for a moment, what it would feel like if I leaned over and kissed you. But, just as suddenly, I remembered that Emma was there and, besides, you didn't want me. You were pushing me toward Frank at every turn and neither one of us were gay so… I should just let it go.

My fourth reaction was acceptance.

I lied there and soaked up the closeness, realizing we might never have a time like this again. So I had to enjoy it while I could, the rest of the world be damned. At that moment, you curled up at my side, it felt…right. I looked over at you to see your eyes were half opened and watching me. I opened my mouth to speak, to apologize, but the hand that was on my hip moved up and you placed one finger over my lips.

"Shhh," I remember you saying, "You'll wake Emma. Go to sleep."

That's all you said. But you didn't leave. No. Instead you snuggled in even closer, your PJ covered breast buried against my upper arm. So I did my best to take your advice. I closed my eyes, but I didn't get to sleep. I just lay there, soaking up the feel of you, as a soft snore escaped from you… and Emma.

Right now, I'd love to watch you sleep again, but it's a milestone for both our daughters I'm sure you won't want to miss…

"Olivia?" I call out and give a soft tug on the blanket. "Today's the big day. You need to get up Sweetheart. I told Emma and Chessie to come in."

You grumble in response and put the pillow over your head, which should make me angry. However, I can't help it and I smile. Some things never change.

Like a tornado, Emma and Francesca tear into the room, fully clothed. Francesca begins to tug on the comforter at the foot of the bed where I'm standing while Emma tries to pull the pillows away from you.

"Girls, please," you beg, but it goes unheeded.

I start to laugh. "Go for her sides, Emma," I coach.

Emma reaches out with her thumb and forefinger and begins to tickle your side and you squirm.

"Okay, okay," you relent. "I'm up, sheesh."

"You want to see Chessie get on the bus don't you, Mom?" Emma asks. "It's her first day of preschool."

"Preschool already?" Olivia asked. Then she looks down at Francesca. "How many are you now?"

"I'm four," she says awkwardly holding up her thumb and three fingers.

"You can't be that many already. Are you?" Olivia teases.

"I am," Francesca says.

"Are not," you counter playfully.

"I am," Francesca says more forcefully, the humor in Olivia's voice totally lost on her.

"I love ya kid, but you're as gullible as your old man," Olivia remarks, which makes me giggle.

Francesca looks confused, but Emma slaps Olivia's leg.

"Be nice to her daddy," she warns.

"Yeah, be nice to daddy," Francesca mimics her sister.

"Oh fine," Olivia says lightheartedly. She then turns to Emma. "How about you, Bean? Nervous?"

"No," she replies.

"Liar," Olivia says as she gives her a shove.

"Okay, a little," she confesses. She's grown so much. She looks like a woman now, a much younger version of Olivia, although she does have Phillip's eyes. Although she's a teenager now, I still can't help it and I reach out and stroke her hair. "I've heard all the horror stories about being a freshman, but I'm sure they're just stories. I'll be fine."

You turn to me and say, "We got one starting high school and the other's just startin' from scratch…are we insane?"

"We? No. It's just you because YOU had the choice of returning here to this...insanity," I tease her as a motion around us.

She smiles for a moment and then looks rather sober.

"Nah, I had no choice whatsoever…You got me hook, line and sinker."

"Well, you ARE quite the catch," I compliment and lean over to give you a long leisurely kiss.

"Yuck," Emma says, which, again, Francesca parrots. "Get a room you guys," Emma adds.

You pull back and point out, "Hey! We're in our room…You two go!"

"Fine," our eldest girl sighs. So much like her mother that one.

As you shoo them away with your hands, Emma reaches for Francesca, who goes along willingly. Once the door closes I don't have time to react before you pull me down to the bed with a soft thud.

We smile at each other as you lean over me and say, "I know it's been almost a decade, but there are still days when I tell myself that this isn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't be this happy… but I am…because of you, because of our life here…You mean everything to me – you know that, right?"

I smile. "Falling in love like this… it never seemed possible. At least not in my world. But you've made all my dreams a reality. Like I said, you could have left, but I thank God everyday you didn't."

Then you kiss me… and I melt.

The End